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What if...
 Randolph
Carter
SCORE: C-
Plot: A big time, successful corporate daddy is given a glimpse of what life would have been like if he had taken the road most traveled: married to a Peter Pan-esque waif, having two children and selling tires for a living.
Commentary: Tea Leoni as Cage’s fantasy wife is about as attractive as my kid sister (if I had a kid sister, that is), and this for me undermines the whole film. Cage and Leoni are presented as this couple completely and utterly in love with each other, viewed with envy by their friends, and it just doesn’t work. It makes one cringe (see below) more than anything else. I personally would have chosen a bullet in the head to either of the choices Cage was faced with.
More appropriate title: It’s a Wonderful Life II, or Take the Money and Run
Cringe-o-meter: (7 out of 10) A scene where Pre Corporate Daddy changes his baby son’s diaper only to find it is full of what looks like chocolate pudding. Before he is able to slap a new diaper on, baby son’s wiener turns into a natural geyser – A lengthy videotaped birthday party for Peter Pan Woman where Pre Corporate Daddy sings her a song and everyone can see how much in love they are -- One of the final scenes in the airport where Corporate Daddy Learned His Lesson is pleading with Peter Pan Woman not to leave (a very difficult scene for any man to watch).
Recommended for: Women who don’t mind strong doses of corniness in their romance films.
 Drunken
Master
SCORE: I didn't watch
this one but I imagine about a twelve pack or so
Yo bitch I thought I told you to take out the fucking garbage you fucking worthless bitch, don't make me give you the back of my hand......Where's my turkey pot pie gutter slut. Don't give me lip bitch.....remember the stitches from last time you fucking slut. And If I find my
underwear on the floor unfolded again I'm gonna take your fucking iron to the side of your head. Don't roll your eyes at me you fucking sorry
ass cock sucker....That's right you fucking white trash whore you can't suck cock to save your life, it's at least as good as your cooking which ranks
right up there with your mothers cock sucking skills.....It's a wonder your father passed away when he did, he was probably begging for that grave
because your lame ass mother bitches almost as much as you do! Did you get me my fucking smokes you piece of unemployable shit, how long did
that last job last you fucking bitch? It was three days wasn't it.....three fucking days till they fired you.....Have you taken a good look in
the mirror you fucking waste of life? God damn you look like shit......what the fuck did you do to your hair.....vomit in it? Shit my hair
on my ass looks better. Look at this fucking shit, the breads got mold on it? What in the fucking hell do you do all day while sitting here
on this couch? Is Orca a twenty four hour channel now? Is Dr. Phil your fix all for running out of batteries on your dong bitch? AND GOD DAMMIT
Why the fuck is this shirt not ironed? How many fucking hours of the day are you here? When I'm fucking working bitch I'd like to think that
you're at least putting half the time into making our double wide look presentable you fucking gutter whore raised by demons! If the pastor knew
this was the household you raised our children in he'd have the Foster parents lining up you fucking ass suck bitch!
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