The Patriot

 

Before they were soldiers, they were family. Before they were legends, they were heroes. Before there was a nation, there was a fight for freedom.

 

Jurassic Mark

SCORE: 1 Star 

 

The Patriot has the look of an American made sidewinder missile, but contains the innards of an Iraqi scud. Halfway through this movie (which I have renamed "Lameheart") I found myself chanting a mantra: "when does Mel kill the bad guy...when does Mel kill the bad guy...when does Mel kill the bad guy." Unfortunately for me, Lameheart was an epic in length only.

However, Lameheart is good at dolling out cliché after cliché. Check out these examples: 

  • The mute girl who finally speaks. 

  • The "stand up if you are willing to fight," scene in the church. 

  • The "it's been a privilege to serve with you" speech to the black guy. 

  • The "this is my last bullet, better make it count" scene at the end. 

  • The "I'm the bad guy and you can't kill me unless you're the hero in the last five minutes of the movie. Even if a marksman shoots me from point blank range, I will only pretend to be dead and then turn around and kill you, thus pissing off the hero even more," scene. Also known as the Jason, or Freddy Krueger scene.

And also, check out these Lameheart side characters: 

  • Token black man. 

  • The guy who hates token black man, whose only purpose in the film is to turn around and respect token black man. 

  • Preacher man. God is on our side. 

  • The guy who has the little boy with curly hair who shoots himself in the head. Do we know anything else about this guy? 

  • Mel's love interest. She's his ex-wife's sister. What else do we know about her? 

  • The "I'm an American, but I fight for the British" guy. He has several scenes. Can't imagine why. 

  • Four of the seven children. They don't have anything to do or anything to say.

The best thing I can say about Lameheart is that it didn't leave room for a sequel.

Darth Buzz

SCORE: 7

I'm sorry kids but any film that has a guy running around in it dealing death to people with a tomahawk automatically gets a 7... well not really, but I give this film an 7. It was indeed as JM said, not Braveheart, and it is not real close to being historically correct. (The reasons the colonists gave for wanting separation from the British were oversimplified to the extreme, the British indeed were made to look like Satan's army here on earth, and little things like the cannons were too big -- they were using 8lb and larger cannon in the film and they really used much smaller 3lb cannons in the war of independence.) This considered though, I have never been a stickler for historical accuracy in my flicks, and I won't begin here. I just liked the battlefield violence and killin. Mel has a few teary good moments too, but give me some good revenge and killin. This film won't will any Oscars but I enjoyed it.

p.s. -- I think JM was too worked up with RC sittin right next to him for him to enjoy a film of this type. I suggest something like Steel Magnolias or something, if you wanna go to a date movie.

p.s. #2 -- These type of reviews make me question your loyalty to the good old US of A. If I didn't know better I would think that you two were some kind of communist pigs trying to subvert truth, justice, and the American way. You two should be castrated, and I expect you to go to and enjoy the X-men. They had a big preview for it before The Patriot and I think it (The X-men) will get shit caned by the critics and I think I will love every minute of it.

Drunken Master

SCORE: 7 Beers

       I would compare this to another movie, however that would be trying to say that this is a sequel or some such.  It is not, therefore is not LameHeart.  However this is a schlock cheese film with more holes than swiss.  BUT....and I can drunkinling say, if you want accuracy.....watch fucking PBS.  Don't PAY seven dollars thinking you're going to see a fucking pure presentation of the civil war.  This is fucking Hollywood, this is a Hollywood flick, thus a Hollywood film.  "It's November, twelve months ended in October.......'I know, I'm here of my own accord'.  I'm honored to have you here, Honored."  Man.......Seeing Mel cry, it's like having a tonsillectomy (whatever).  He shows sadness like a cop does when he's giving you a ticket.  I see those tears well up in his eyes, he places a hand on your shoulder......and I get this giggleness to me like I'm punch drunk on.....well wine right now.  Nuff said, cool shit.  (Editor's Note -- the spell/grammar checker exploded trying to fix all the problems with this review.  I left a few of the problematic words for coloring.)

Jurassic Mark

Reply to Drunken Master's Review

DM,

Exactly which "Civil War" movie were you watching? Did Mel save the slaves from the British?
Was "Lameheart" angered by the death of Abraham Lincoln?
Did dinosaurs still rule the Earth?
These questions (and more) can be answered by the rest of the panel.

-JM

PS. The answers are all "no."

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