Dear Drunken Master,
I've read your drunken emails for years now, but it seems like much longer. I now recognize that these emails are actually a cry for help.
So, I searched around, and I found a "support group" that might be able to help. It's called "Corporate Daddy AA."
Now, I know you don't think your an alcoholic, but "Corporate Daddy AA" is nothing like normal Alcoholics Anonymous. "CDAA" is tailor made for people who fit your demographic. CDAA never meets before noon because the "sponsors" are just as hung over as the other pathetic losers who join the club. CDAA has other advantages over Alcoholics Anonymous:
1. No fat bitches are allowed. Portly men may attend if there stomach is recognized by legitimate doctors as a "beer belly."
2. The meeting rooms are cool, with no bright lights. Lying down is optional. Cots are provided. If the room is too cool, take a "blanky" from the closet.
3. For those with a hangover, you may request a cocktail by raising your hand and (not too loud) say, "hair of the dog." Talking loud is not acceptable. Drinking socially and responsibly is encouraged.
4. No one has ever worn a tie to a CDAA meeting. To do so would be like taking a shit on Mother Theresa's grave, and then covering it with the American flag and then taking another shit on top of that. Lord knows I'm not trying to "preach" DM. You have a hard road ahead of you. But, I believe CDAA could be a start. I "challenge" you to give them a call at 1-800-TOASTED. If you don't get help from CDAA, get help from other drugs. And remember the CDAA motto:
"I WORK AT DRINKING, I DRINK WHILE WORKING."